Here’s what Mock 5.0 is confident in:
The NFL draft is in Kansas City.
Commissioner Roger Goodell will be booed lustily, a rite of spring.
Bryce Young will be drafted first overall by the Panthers.
I was forced to seek out Carnac the Magnificent, the mystic from the East from “The Tonight Show” who could psychically divine answers to unseen questions.
He gave me a bodyguard for Aaron Rodgers and a cornerback for Brian Daboll and Wink Martindale.
The dartboard please:
1. Carolina Panthers
Bryce Young, QB, Alabama
The miniature Magic Man who former Carolina first overall pick Cam Newton could hide in his pocket.
2. Houston Texans
Will Anderson, OLB, Alabama
Just because he isn’t the second coming of Von Miller doesn’t mean he can’t get after the quarterback for new head coach DeMeco Ryans.
Remember what GM Nick Caserio said last year about legendary Alabama coach Nick Saban after drafting Tide WR Jon Metchie in the second round: “I would say I have a lot of respect in Nick. Whenever you ask him about a player, he is very honest.” Sold.
3. Arizona Cardinals
Paris Johnson Jr., OT, Ohio State
New HC Jonathan Gannon might be willing to bend over backwards for Kyler Murray, who is openly lobbying for an elite bodyguard even as he rehabs his torn ACL and meniscus.
4. Indianapolis Colts
C.J. Stroud, QB, Ohio State
Forget about the S2 score, rookie HC Shane Steichen takes the heat off star running back Jonathan Taylor with the most accurate passer in the draft.
5. Seattle Seahawks
Tyree Wilson, DE, Texas Tech
Problem child DT Jalen Carter was the pick in Mock 4.0. Let’s give Pete Carroll an upside pass rusher with an 84-inch wingspan. He has enough gray hairs.
6. Detroit Lions
Devon Witherspoon, B, Illinois
At 5-11, 181 pounds, he’s 2 inches taller than former Jets No. 1 CB Aaron Glenn, who is Detroit’s defensive coordinator. He’s every bit as feisty and a perfect culture fit for a team on the rise.
7. Las Vegas Raiders
Christian Gonzalez, CB, Oregon
These 6-2, 201-pound corners don’t grow on trees in Las Vegas, and boy, does Josh McDaniel need a thoroughbred to combat Patrick Mahomes and Justin Herbert, and whatever Sean Payton can do with Russell Wilson. An easy mover, as they like to say.
8. Atlanta Falcons
Bijan Robinson, RB, Texas
HC Arthur Smith rides his new Derrick Henry to make life much easier on second-year QB Desmond Ridder.
9. Chicago Bears
Jalen Carter, DT, Georgia
A new Monster of the Midway for HC Matt Eberflus. RT Darnell Wright would be Plan B.
10. Philadelphia Eagles
Nolan Smith, OLB, Georgia
Trader Howie Roseman could be tempted to move up for Carter, but he infuses new blood on the edge as usual with Brandon Graham a 35-year-old war horse.
No. 11 Tennessee Titans
Will Levis, QB, Kentucky
The fan base will boo the pick, but Mike Vrabel is secure in the job and won’t have to throw him to the wolves until next season unless, of course, Ryan Tannehill is traded.
No. 12 Houston Texans
Anthony Richardson, QB, Florida
These guys can’t keep trotting out Davis Mills without alienating the fan base. ESPN’s Dan Orlovsky advocates for them drafting this freak at No. 2: “The physical talent is so good, he becomes top-five in the NFL at any position if he matches what he should be. … He’s the most talented player in this draft at the QB position.” In Orlovsky We Trust.
No. 13 Green Bay Packers
Jaxon Smith-Njigba, WR, Ohio State
Just a coincidence that Aaron Rodgers was never treated to a first-round receiver, I’m sure. Jordan Love can use a dynamic slot receiver to complement Christian Watson and Romeo Dobbs.
14. New England Patriots
Deonte Banks, CB, Maryland
Bill Belichick needs a physical press man corner with size (6-0, 197) and speed (4.35) especially now that Mr.Rodgers is in his neighborhood.
15. New York Jets
Peter Skoronski, T/G, Northwestern
It’s been reported that the Jets view him as a tackle, to hell with his short arms, but they could play this stud anywhere on the line. A piece that would make Rodgers 90 percent certain he won’t retire after the 2023 season.
16. Washington Commanders
Emmanuel Forbes, CB, Mississippi
The skinny on him is he’s 6-1, 166 pounds soaking wet. OK, get him protein shakes and get him in the weight room. He’s a pick-six machine with 4.35 speed.
17. Pittsburgh Steelers
Darnell Wright, OT, Tennessee
A 334-pound wrecking machine who can do wonders for Kenny Pickett and Najee Harris on either side of the OL.
18. Detroit Lions
Lukas Van Ness, DE, Iowa
An untapped 6-5, 286-pound bookend for Aidan Hutchinson with 4.58 speed.
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Anton Harrison, OT, Oklahoma
A 6-4, 315-pound LT who enables Tristan Wirfs to move back to his more comfortable RT spot.
20. Seattle Seahawks
Jordan Addison, WR, USC
A 5-11, 173-pound version of Tyler Lockett who would be an upgrade over Dee Eskridge for Geno Smith.
21. Los Angeles Chargers
Dalton Kincaid, TE, Utah
An elite receiving TE for Justin Herbert to make Keenan Allen and Mike Williams more dangerous.
22. Baltimore Ravens
Brian Branch, CB/S, Alabama
Kyle Hamilton moves over to strong safety to replace Chuck Clark, and executive VP Ozzie Newsome might just whisper in GM Eric DeCosta’s ear that there’s an instinctive slot corner from his old school still on the board.
23. Minnesota Vikings
Hendon Hooker, QB, Tennessee
He’ll rehab his torn ACL and take over for Kirk Cousins in 2024, and who cares if he’ll be 26? Skol.
24. Jacksonville Jaguars
Broderick Jones, OT, Georgia
The surprising fall ends here because RT Jawaan Taylor took his talents to Kansas City.
25. New York Giants
Joey Porter Jr., CB, Penn State
Former Nittany Lion Saquon Barkley can provide the critical intel: 34-inch arms, 80 ⁷/₈-inch wingspan, 4.46 speed in the 40 and 6-2, 195 pounds. Wink Martindale might attempt a cartwheel.
26. Dallas Cowboys
Michael Mayer, TE, Notre Dame
Baby Gronk will remind Jerry Jones of Jason Witten, and that’s a good thing for Dak Prescott.
27. Buffalo Bills
Myles Murphy, DE, Clemson
You can never have too many 6-5, 276-pound pass rushers, and remember, Von Miller is 34.
28. Cincinnati Bengals
Jahmyr Gibbs, RB, Alabama
Joe Mixon is back in legal trouble and faces an uncertain future, and Samaje Perine is now in Denver. Imagine giving Joe Burrow a weapon like this when he’s not targeting Ja’Marr Chase and Tee Higgins.
29. New Orleans Saints
Quentin Johnston, WR, TCU
Michael Thomas is 30 and has 56 catches since 2019. So a 6-3 target with YAC capabilities for Derek Carr.
30. Philadelphia Eagles
O’Cyrus Torrence, G, Florida
A punishing 6-5, 346-pound RG to replace Isaac Seumalo as a Jalen Hurts bodyguard.
31. Kansas City Chiefs
Zay Flowers, WR, Boston College
Must have been a reason Patrick Mahomes texted this electric playmaker to go catch passes with him.
