“I just can’t hold space for you right now.”
It was a phrase overheard in a beer garden that proved something many of us have been privately thinking for months – is therapy making us all worse people?
Sure, it aims to make us better communicators but has it just equipped people with a whole new vocabulary to make excuses for their less-than-stellar behavior?
According to a Gallup poll, 23 percent of American adults saw a health professional for their mental health in 2022.
More Americans are seeking therapy than ever and that is a good thing but it feels taboo to talk about any downsides of therapy.
Sure, we can recognize it is making us better but can we have also have a sliver of space to discuss how it is making some people worse to hang out with.
Psychotherapist Amber Rules explains that there’s no denying that therapy speak has cemented itself into mainstream culture.
“Some of the common words and ideas that I’ve noticed have made it into the culture are triggered, narcissistic, boundaries, holding space and authentic.”
Rules doesn’t believe that using words you learn in therapy is an inherently bad thing but she understands that not everyone is getting it right.
“Realistically, there will always be people who co-opt ideas or phrases for selfish means, but I think it’s more likely that people tend to find clear, concise and honest communication to be challenging, and may find themselves trying to avoid hurting others by using therapy catchphrases.”
Are people just not listening hard enough in their sessions and going rogue once they leave and are released into the wild?
“Some psychological concepts are hard to understand and implement perfectly the first time,” Rules points out.
There are a few phrases you may have recently heard people using during a casual social session thanks to therapy.
“I can’t hold space for you.”
“How’s that working for you?”
“I can’t control the situation but I can control my reaction.”
They all sound like that should be engraved on a sign and hung up in a middle-aged white woman’s house but they’ve become part of the way young people talk to each other.
People aren’t just saying, “Sorry, I messed up.” instead they are wheeling out “Sorry I didn’t have the space for you.”
It is beyond irritating.
Rules empathizes with the people who are getting it wrong in the real world with their friends and family.
“It can be a relief when we hear a therapist explain something that helps us understand our needs or experiences better, but we may not always fully understand the nuances of a therapeutic word or phrase, so they can become diluted or bastardized.”
Aussies are learning new words and phrases but we need to be careful how we use them, because we might come across less like a woke saint and more like an asshole.
“We may communicate our need for boundaries too harshly when we’re learning how to set them, and sometimes this can come off as selfish or mean, but is a common experience as we learn to set them moderately and thoughtfully,” she said.
So if someone does something shitty and then claims they are simply holding space for themselves are they using therapy words wrong?
Yes.
“Compassion isn’t about letting people walk all over you or treat you poorly, nor is self-compassion about letting yourself off the hook, but rather it’s a way of approaching ourselves and others with curiosity and kindness with the ultimate goal of understanding ourselves and others better.”
There you go! No matter what way you say it – if you’re acting like an insufferable idiot even therapy words won’t disguise it.